The day I learned to communicate via the language of art, my life was changed indefinitely; I was saved. There are some things that are too complex for the English language. So, when my words do not suffice, my art speaks for them.
I made my webventure to be an interactive exploration of my body, each page/easter egg dedicated to a different part of my body. The home page is a full frontal image of myself in the nude, surrounded by close ups of each individual body part that redirect you to a new page when clicked on. I took images from a single photoshoot and used photoshop and illustrator to edit them. A lot of my recent work has been centered around the topic of body image. That being said, a lot of my recent work has been very dark and negative. My sister has been battling a fatal case of anorexia for the last decade, so when my art is representative of the evil connection between one’s self-worth and the way they view their body, people are quick to assume that I am speaking for Maddie. This piece was my way of announcing that the inspiration for these works is not Maddie; The inspiration comes from the darkness that lives in my own mind.
I have struggled in silence with having a poor sense of self/low self esteem for a long time. I have never felt comfortable talking about my insecurities, so despite the fact that the most significant parts of my existence are controlled by an overwhelming hatred for myself, nobody really knows those parts of me exist. I knew that in order for me to speak my truth I had to be more vulnerable than I have ever allowed myself the freedom to be, so I posed as the subject for the piece in the most vulnerable state humanly possible; Naked. Initially, this piece was heading in a very dark direction. Having to stare at and work with my naked body day after day was arguably one of the most uncomfortable experiences I have ever put myself through, for all I could focus on were my insecurities. My first few pieces in the series were consistent with the evil theme by which I have proven to cling to, painting my stretch marks in demons and hiding monsters in the crevices of my fat rolls. After having created yet another series equating my body with pure evil, I took a step back and asked myself the question that would be the turning point of this piece: “What kind of message do I want to send with this?” I then envisioned other girls who share the same struggles as I do interpreting this piece as further validation that their body is linked to negative, ugly ideals. I pictured my sister viewing my work and feeling justified in her own self-deprecation. The mere thought of my work acting as a justification for self hatred made me sick. I was sad while making this, and I realized that is not the feeling I wanted to evoke with this particular piece.
My art is essentially a window to my inner truth, so I knew that I could never produce a genuine mantra for body positivity using my own body as reference, for that is not my reality and that would be utter deception. In my life, art has always served the purpose of proving the beauty in things, even when that beauty seems nearly impossible to find, and that’s exactly what I did with my body. I found the courage to take even the most shameful parts of myself and grow flowers from them. The process of creating and sharing this piece was certainly the most vulnerable I have ever been with my work. It was one of the most difficult, terrifying, honest, most healing, empowering, liberating experiences, and I am very proud of the work that was born from conquering some of my greatest fears. I want anyone looking at this piece to walk away with the peace of knowing that flowers can bloom from even the darkest parts of ourselves; It is only up to us to plant them.
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